I solemly swear I am up to no good (bijjy) wrote,
I solemly swear I am up to no good

There are truly no words right now. Found out today that my Daddy dies sometime within the past couple of days. I'm a mess. Too many emotions going on right now.

One minute I'm crying my eyes out the next I'm numb.Then I'm distracting myself watching Doctor Who on TV. Then odd as it seems I'm relieved. He wasn't really sick but since his car accident in 2011 he's never really been the same. Sunday I have to meet with my brother and other family members to sort out the funeral arrangements. I'm also angry in case you couldn't tell. Angry because he was too damn lazy to see to this stuff (funeral arrangements) before his accident SO that we, his three kids wouldn't have to later.

Relieved and grateful, though selfish as it seems, that I'll never have to go to his home again (once we sort out his things) relieved that I'll never have to sit though another (of many) his temper tantrums of how that WHOLE world is out to get him and his money (including the Doctors who were trying to help him)

All I know is that I don't want to see his body until it's in a casket because I don't want to see him any other way now. If they try to make me look before then, I won't I don't know how these things work, I've never had to make funeral arrangements before. I hoped I wouldn't have had to for at least a few more years.

Is it selfish of me to say that I both won't and will (in the way I remember him when I was a child) miss him?

I'm just having a hard time processing everything
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